Don't I deserve a break?

Quarrelled with my mother soon after I woke up today. I don't know what she wants. She just don't like me to stay at home or go out. She wants me to go and look for a temp job, those kind that requires me to go to work everyday. It's not as if I've not been doing anything. I've already done the Starhub roadshow and there's another incoming ushering job this tuesday. There's also another job assignment at Lianhua Primary School on the 22nd and the 23rd. But she's just not happy, she just wants me to go and work everyday. But my FYP presentation has just ended and I have studied hard for four years, don't I deserve a break for now?

I've been doing part time for all my holidays except the last which I have to do my FYP. And all these years in school, I have tried my best to get good results. Why did I do that for? It's not because Im afraid that I will not be able to have enough money to enjoy in the future. Im only afraid that I won't be able to provide a comfortable life for my parents just like they did for me. I motivated myself using this fear. I know they have worked hard, scrimped and saved to put me and my sister through University but have I not done my part? I have never asked them for any money except for the weekly allowance that my father gives me. I have never spent my money wastefully either. Now what do I get in return? Get treated like a good for nothing, by my own mother. Well, maybe Im really a good for nothing. Never mind, I shall just quickly find the job, go and work and work and work then back to study, then back to work again. Till the day I die. Forget about the phuket trip, forget about having fun. Just go and earn money, if that's what she wants.

I didn't want to stay at home and quarrel with her, so I went out. Went to the library and read some magazines. Then met Tooter for the first time at Jurong Point. She looks just as she is in the photos, so skinny slim. We first went to Sakae Sushi, then to the hawker centre near her home, then to IMM. Just walked aimlessly, not knowing what to do. I just didn't want to go home so early. If this happened a few weeks ago I might have gone out with spongeboob, but she has also stopped contacting me recently. Guess she must be busy and I don't want to disturb her also.

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I made my mother cry.
Im an asshole, a piece of shit, a good for nothing.
I've been fooling around too much. I've forgotten my purpose in life.
I feel bad and miserable.
Why is so much shit happening to me? One thing comes before I can get over another.
It's time I go back to my normal life and stop having fun.